Don’t You Just Love those Feminists who get Married and Sell Out by Having the “Hyphenated-Last-Name?”

By Allen Van Hoosier


I am a liberal. I am a feminist. I completely support equality between the sexes in every single way imaginable. Conversely, the older I get the less of a morning person I have become. When my alarm clock goes off, it is a struggle not to grab the clock and plunge deep within the recesses of my bedroom drywall.

Notwithstanding, I arose this morning to the sound of fingernails scratching down a chalk board. No – my children were not slam dancing on their chalkboard. They don’t have a chalk board.
This is what I heard, beaming from the audio from the TV in my bedroom.

“If you’ve been injured in an accident, you deserve compensation if you have been wronged. Hello. I’m Gale “first-last-name_second-last-name,” and you deserve the best in legal representation if you have been injured or wronged.
So call “Can’t Say the Name” Law office today, and ask for me, Donna “first-last-name_second-last-name.”

It was all I could do to muster the strength to keep from the spraying the Optimus Vommitus all over my Mitsubishi 75-inch flat panel TV. Hey – I do have standards. My TV deserves better than that.

It would not stop ringing in my ears…. Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...


MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

Women like this has kicked back all the strides in equality that their foremothers burned their bras to make. Equal pay, respect, harassment in the workplace. The women of the late 60’s and into the 70’s paved the way for these tools and tourists like her only to get on TV and say, “Let me represent you. I’m Donna Last name 1-Last name 2....”

Which really means, “Hi. I’m a female attorney. I am smart. I went to Law school just like millions of men out there, and I worked hard – perhaps harder than most because I am female to get what I have in life. So here I am Friends, Romans, Countrypersons! I am here to be a part of US Herstory!

“….But wait; hmm. I want to work at an elite ambulance-chasing law firm, I want to pedal around on my $10,000 bicycle, a $90,000 Mercedes SUV, two homes…” When the nightmares come to her at night in the thunder stormiest of evenings, she goes out to her $90,000 Mercedes Benz SUV (elitist minivan) and warms her hands up on the McCain bumper sticker that adorns the $5000 bumper.

But perhaps I am being perhaps to harsh on this lady. Look at what she balances: motherhood, career, home making, PTA, active Republican, Homeowner’s Association Gestapo member, etc.”

Now I should stop picking on this poor poor woman. But the facts are this: her being an attorney – I would not pay this woman – even it presented pro-bono to me to fix a parking ticket. How can I depend on her to defend a client for anything, when she can’t even take a stand for who she is? Donna Last name 1-Last name 2....” Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...Donna Last name 1-Last name 2....”

Women like her are the true enemies of feminism. Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique aided in getting the June Cleavers out of the kitchen and into school. And the subsequent movement of the late 60’s and early 70’s advanced their political and social movement even onto the college campuses so even women could go to school, get a degree and enter the workforce. Women still make 15% - 20% less than men do, and thus the fight goes on. And the fight is simple. WOMEN DEMAND EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK AND WILL ACCEPT NO LESS. WE ARE THE BEARERS OF CHILDREN, THE NURTURES, THE NOSE WIPERS, THE BED TUCKERS AND THE ONES THAT THE CHILDREN ALWAYS CRY FOR AND THE HOMEMAKERS.

And god bless the true feminists.
If you are a stay at home mom and you kept your last name, you are a feminist.
If you are a stay at home mom and you took your husband’s last name, you are a feminist.
If you are a career woman in the trenches with the men, and you kept your last name, you are a feminist.
If you are a career woman in the trenches with the men, and you took your husband’s last name last name, you are a feminist.

If you are woman and you do all of the above, and you pop in that wishy-washy spineless cowardly hyphen in your last name, then your are the enemy to the feminist cause! You must be stopped! Take that gutless little dash out of your name and have some self-respect! You embaciles fool yourself thinking you are making a big hit against the man by having that little dash in your two last names. Don’t tell me – let’s see if I nail this.
“Oh I am a career women mother professional law firm partner, and I am even so tough, I am going to fight those 50’s stereotypes and partially keep last name because I want to make a name for myself, me, who I am, my identity!”

You’re a fool. You think lofty to believe your statement is being perceived that way, my dear. Here’s what you are saying:

“I’m Donna Last name 1-Last name 2...,” feminist, but not to much because I don’t want to piss off my husband or have my in-laws think I am uppity or have my husband’s friends make fun of him on poker night.”

But don’t listen to me. After all – my wife, a college educated mother of three – who does have my last name REALLY threw me for one yesterday. I came home early only to find her watching Dr. Phil. The first thing I said to her in utter disbelief was, “HEY! Where’s my dinner? Why are you not in the kitchen? Why do you have shoes on?!?!?! “

To which she replied, “Piss off. I’m pregnant, and you’re making dinner.”

And then she kicked me in the scrotum.